The High Dive

I have been in the deep murky waters.

Gasping for breath,

over my head,

choking…

Through the pain I struggled.

Reaching for the edge,

grasping,

finally pulling myself out.

After a time of clearing my lungs,

clearing my eyes,

I gaze upward,

back toward the high dive.

Fear keeps me apprehensive.

Desire pushes me forward.

Back to the ladder I climb,

each rung a battle,

each rung a fight.

Many times I have reached the top.

Many times I have looked over.

Memories

and anxieties turn me back.

‘til I hear a small voice in the pool.
A pool of repression,

a pool of disenchantment,

and it coaxes me

to the tip of the board once again.

I look over,

and the water is not so dark.

The water looks calm and warm

and friendly.

Resistance recedes,

and I bend my knees to jump.

29oct01

j. david bliley

I Had a Dream

We lay together. I, propped up on my elbow, looking down into her warm eyes. She, on her back, head upon my forearm, her dark locks draped delicately, framing her tender face. My hand rests on the soft curve of her hip. I am nervous. My emotions are welling up. My loneliness of the past few years having become nearly unbearable. I choke back my fear, I blurt out, “Look, I really like you. I really want to be with you.” Her eyes widen. “Oh no”, I think to myself, “I've ruined it”. Tears form in the corners of her eyes. Her arms wrap around me as an inviting smile traces it's way across her face. “I was hoping you'd say that”, she whispers. My chest expands with life as it fills with love, the empty chasm of my heart stretches beyond it's shriveled confines. Happiness, a feeling quite foreign to me, washes over me, but it is shortly lived.

Her eyes, moments ago, so alive, so adoring, become listless. The softness of her skin melts away, replaced by a courser texture. I desperately cling, I can not let her go! Her visage becomes unclear, her body, a mist. I reach... I grab the nothingness... my heart beats faster, my breathing, short. The emotions... the panic, well up. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” The mist clears, I am laying in my cluttered room, alone, clutching my pillow with all my strength. Realization settles in, I relax my grasp. I sigh deeply as I melt into my bedsheets, stare at the ceiling, and gently sob.

Such is how I woke up this morning. I do not know who this woman was, I just know she seemed perfect. It seems we were involved in the theatre in some regard. I know that I had to tell her how I felt. I know that I was VERY surprised by her response. That's probably because the past decade has turned me into the consummate pessimist. It's easier to take rejection and disappointment if you have no expectations to begin with. Anyway.. this whole experience compelled me to finally write something in this blog I started. Perhaps I'll continue to fill up “The Pisspot” here in the future. I really DO have constant thoughts, despite the barrenness of this blog.

Good day.

The "Orange Toothbrush"

Wow... nearly another year has gone flying by. Amazing... ly depressing.

Just thought I'd mention at this time, because I'm thinking of it, the "Orange Toothbrush".

The Orange Toothbrush has become a symbol of sorts in my life. It is symbolic of anything unwanted in life... the outcast. The story is simple. Several years ago, whilst rifling through my toothbrush options at the local drug mart, preferably finding something stylish, something that fit my personality and something that matched my bathroom, I came across an ordinary, hideously orange toothbrush. I withdrew it from it's shelf position and held it incredulously as I wondered, "who the hell would buy this garish nightmare"? And suddenly, I felt sorry for it. I anthropomorphized this toothbrush, I had hurt it's feelings and felt bad about it's worthless, lonely "life". I saw how it felt as other, more attractive, more stylish and younger toothbrushes were lifted off the shelf daily, sometimes pulled from right beside him, and off they went to their intended use. Worthwhile work, diligently scrubbing daily (hopefully) food scum off of teeth.

As I was later brushing my own teeth with my bright, shiny, new orange toothbrush, that clashed horribly with everything in my bathroom, I felt good about myself. I have often, since that moment, seen lots of other "Orange Toothbrushes" in life. Animals, people... sometimes even myself. It always gives me pause now. Sometimes I feel a slight lumpishness in my throat. Sometimes I'm in position to do something about it... most times, I am not. But I think a lot of this just stems from empathy. I don't think the majority of people on this planet have the capability to feel empathy. Empathy is not something you "understand" or know the definition of, it's something you feel.

The irony of my blog title

"Pisspot of a Diuretic Mind. What a CLEVER title!", he said to himself.

But alas, to read the "blog" it seems the mind has run dry. That is not actually true, my "diuretic mind" is constantly running. I just don't sit down to write it all out. Maybe now that i HAVE THIS PAGE SAVED ON MY NEW COMPUTER i CAN COMMIT TO GETTING MORE OUT.

D'OH! Stupid CapsLock...

What a silly name, "blog". I'm not even sure what the "B" is for.

My breakfast is burning....

Here I sit on Xmas day...

... the snow is falling gently outside my window. If only the beauty of the day could fill my heart.

I was happy last year. I thought my "search" was finally over. Now I sit alone. About a mile away, she is with another.

It's been nearly a year since she blind-sided me. I absolutely did not see it coming, oblivious in my own, rare, happiness and contentment. And yes, rare that is.

Erste Posten

Wow... now I have BLOG. I guess that makes me "with it" now. I had better say something intelligent and memorable in my first post or I could be considered insubstantial. d'oh!

hmmm... George W. Bush is a moron. There... but geez, that's too obvious. I can do better than that.

Ehhh... I'll let my mind spew forth at some other time. I'm at work right now.