We lay together. I, propped up on my elbow, looking down into her warm eyes. She, on her back, head upon my forearm, her dark locks draped delicately, framing her tender face. My hand rests on the soft curve of her hip. I am nervous. My emotions are welling up. My loneliness of the past few years having become nearly unbearable. I choke back my fear, I blurt out, “Look, I really like you. I really want to be with you.” Her eyes widen. “Oh no”, I think to myself, “I've ruined it”. Tears form in the corners of her eyes. Her arms wrap around me as an inviting smile traces it's way across her face. “I was hoping you'd say that”, she whispers. My chest expands with life as it fills with love, the empty chasm of my heart stretches beyond it's shriveled confines. Happiness, a feeling quite foreign to me, washes over me, but it is shortly lived.
Her eyes, moments ago, so alive, so adoring, become listless. The softness of her skin melts away, replaced by a courser texture. I desperately cling, I can not let her go! Her visage becomes unclear, her body, a mist. I reach... I grab the nothingness... my heart beats faster, my breathing, short. The emotions... the panic, well up. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” The mist clears, I am laying in my cluttered room, alone, clutching my pillow with all my strength. Realization settles in, I relax my grasp. I sigh deeply as I melt into my bedsheets, stare at the ceiling, and gently sob.
Such is how I woke up this morning. I do not know who this woman was, I just know she seemed perfect. It seems we were involved in the theatre in some regard. I know that I had to tell her how I felt. I know that I was VERY surprised by her response. That's probably because the past decade has turned me into the consummate pessimist. It's easier to take rejection and disappointment if you have no expectations to begin with. Anyway.. this whole experience compelled me to finally write something in this blog I started. Perhaps I'll continue to fill up “The Pisspot” here in the future. I really DO have constant thoughts, despite the barrenness of this blog.
Good day.
5 comments:
DarkHeath, I feel so sorry for you! And I mean that in the least condescending, pitying way possible. What a horrible feeling loneliness is. And to think that it's made its way into your subconscious state makes me sad. There are too many people out there so disappointed by members of the opposite sex that they've closed themselves off so dramatically that it's going to take a crowbar to get in there again. Personally, I had an experience about year ago that shook me up for a few months and then dropped me on my head. I felt completely discombobulated and wondered how, who and if ever, I would love someone again. What scares me the most at this point is to think that this could actually happpen twice! How unfair to get your heartbroken more than once! It never occured to me that this was actually possible, but apparently it's quite prevalent. I just want to let you - and any other guys in similar positions - know that there are still "nice girls" left out there. Who don't want to eat your soul and steal your wallet. And we're cute with good personalities too! Hang in there, it WILL happen for you.
Thank you, Chica. That is encouraging. I would like to say that although I am lonely, it's not a debilitating loneliness where I'm rocking back & forth on my couch in the fetal position all night. Some of it is from my own choosing, I suppose, as I'd rather not be with someone who is just not right. I've gotten to the point where I pretty clearly know what I want and don't want, and I'd just rather be alone than have to deal with all that goes along with trying to work an unworkable situation.
The thing is, I'm a hopeless romantic and it surprises even me that I've gotten this far in life without finding it. Oh.. I've had tastes of it and it's delicious, but for some reason it never lasted. You mention getting heartbroken more than twice... it can happen much more often than that, let me tell you.
Thanks again, Chica. Did you happen to read my other post.. about the toothbrush?
Having had my brush with heartbreak once, I can say that I don't think it is a feeling you ever get used to. The most dangerous part is the overwhelming disappointment you feel in mankind (IMHO).
However, I agree with you that being with someone who's not a good fit seems like a miserable existence. I tend to look at the glass half full and I really hope I can maintain that outlook. I think our attitude and energy makes all the difference when we go out there seeking love again.
There are a lot of orange toothbrushes out there in world. But eventually, one of them has to give something back to you. You deserve it.
Wow this was intense. I saw that you posted a link to your blog on my TwitterBerry but I was being all girlish and watching the Badgers play in the NCAA Tournament. I made a mental note to check it out and I'm so glad that I am.
I understand loneliness. I've also taken to calling myself a Romantic Realist. I love all the trappings of romance and romantic relationships. I love getting to know someone and the intimacy that develops between two people. I've also been burned enough to not really believe that that happens in real life and if it does something will happen to royally mess it up.
Great post!
I'm glad you started write more. This was lovely. And of course you know that you're not the only person who's lonely. There are nights I still imagine there's someone in bed next to me. For a long time it was my ex, but now I can't imagine it being him. Now it's some unknown man. Some unknown man who's just lying next to me making me feel less alone. Random. But not so rare, I suppose.
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